It was last March when I last blogged about things….that’s 10 months. A lot can happen in 10 months and I’ve got to say ‘yes it has’. From February to June I was living out of a suitcase in the spare bedroom of some very dear friends. The landlady was selling the house I was living in and I had nowhere to go. My friends told me they wouldn’t see me on the streets and took me in as one of the family. For this act of kindness I will be eternally grateful for their selfless act and shows the good that some folks still possess.
As for me, I slipped badly back in to old anxious and depressive ways. I did things I’m not proud of and became almost a caricature of myself. I launched myself full-length into the world of social media, namely twitter and I latched on like a rabid dog to any attention, sympathy, interest thrown my way. I was developing relationships with a small number of women thinking I was the big ‘I am’ or some kind of twitter lothario. I wasn’t….I was a sad, deluded man and in the process I caused a lot of hurt and pain to quite a few people. I was drinking quite heavily and also suffering long periods of insomnia. Insomnia can have you living in some kind of odd, non-real world that’s hard to describe. That doesn’t excuse my behaviour though and to anyone who may have been caught up in all the stupidness I do say a heartfelt ‘sorry’.
I read a blog the other day where a MH sufferer described how many people hated him, disliked him and generally thought he was a cunt. The thing was he didn’t really care, because no one hated him more than the person that really mattered….himself. This struck a chord with me as my self esteem has never been high and in general I don’t like myself…feel worthless and useless. I’ll admit though that I do care what people think as I never set out to hurt anyone or make them unhappy….unfortunately I have a smart mouth and can be too quick to criticise and go on the defensive especially on social media. This came to a head when a couple of times I came across some vile trolls who thought it was funny to tell me to kill myself, threaten me with violence and photoshop pictures of me and my family with disgusting crude comments. Even though everyone told me to ignore this, I made the mistake of trying to reason with these people and yes…I bit back. Its strange how these kind of people can influence the others around them and get them joining in or just standing on the sidelines watching like its some sort of show. I have friends that are scared of these people, but for a quiet life say nothing and carry on. I understand this, but I’ll wager that these people don’t know the trolls in-person and its just the internet and you really don’t need them.
This all seems to be descending into a miserable diary of another depressing year….not so, there have been some fantastic highs this year. A surreal and hilarious camping trip in May with my 2 best mates was something I should write a film script about! I saw the ‘Boss’ Bruce Springsteen again in June. July was hot and spent some fab days with friends old and new and then something totally unexpected and magical happened in August and again….I blame twitter.
Late July I started following a lady from the midlands, she was funny, intelligent, told it like it was and went by the name of ‘Curly Haired Vixen’ (CHV). Three days before my birthday we messaged each other phone numbers, we talked for 2hrs and I mentioned it was my birthday in 3 days. ‘Ok’ she said ‘Is it alright if I come up for your birthday?’ ….’err yeah, sure!’ CHV duly arrived on the Friday and lets just say it was basically ‘love at first sight’ We’ve been together ever since and CHV moved in officially in December and we got engaged!!!
I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but so does CHV and now we face it together which really is a massive help. As I type we’re having to look for a new place to live and put some roots down for our future. The feelings of worthlessness are still there and as this government continues its assault on the sick/disabled and folk on benefits I feel more and more like the ‘scrounging twat’ I was called the other week by a troll friend. This year I will be looking to get back into work, but after 45yrs on this planet it will be something that I want to do and not just ‘have’ to do.
So there you go, downs and ups, swings and roundabouts, things round the corner you never saw coming. I’ve mentioned twitter a few times, but in general my Timeline is filled with lovely, honest, caring genuine people and in the last year I’ve met a lot of these folk in person.
SCROUNGING ALERT Me and CHV or Nettie (as her name is) want to get wed this year if possible and we want to spend as little money as possible and have it cheap and cheerful…so here’s a request to anyone reading. If you’d like to be involved in a unique ‘virtual’ wedding and can help in any way…..PLEASE get in touch, any help will be GRATEFULLY received!
I’ll try not to leave it too long next time and if you want to read Netties blog, please go here http://curlyhairedvixen.wordpress.com/ she’s new to the blogging game and not half bad!! Anyhoo take care all!!
Dave xx
Half a World Away 